My battle with depression and anxiety

I've battled depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. Up until recently it's always been something I've been ashamed of. There have been very few mornings in my life when I've had much natural zeal to get out of bed in the morning. I hate the idea of being lazy so my logical desire is never to oversleep, but there's always a battle going on in my mind. I guess you could say that battle between logic and emotion has been the front lines of fighting against depression and anxiety in my life.
I'm a very emotional person. I feel like I've had the choice to either cry a lot or harden my heart to more sensitive feelings and become emotionally numb. While I have opted to go with the latter route for a period of time, I've learned that that will suck the life out of you in a hurry. So I cry easily. I'm a sensitive guy. I'm not ashamed of that at all. I believe crying is healthy, and I'm encouraged to know that Jesus cried in his time on earth.

Perhaps the hardest part of admitting that I have a serious struggle with depression and anxiety is the feeling that it might in some way be discounting my faith. I believe there's a fine line here. My identity is not defined by what I struggle against. My identity is defined by who God says that I am, even when  I don't feel that way. I have to constantly remind myself that in Jesus I'm loved, I'm God's child, I'm pure, I'm valued, and that my life is meaningful though I don't always feel that way. By the grace of God, I'm a righteous child of God who battles against anxiety and depression.

One of the hardest things for me to admit is that when my mom battled cancer for four years and then passed away when I was a junior in high school I used that as a justification for my depression and anxiety. What I mean is that prior to my mom's health issues I still had those problems, but I was ashamed because I didn't have a "valid" reason for having them. Now that I've been in a pretty healthy stage of life the last several years, I've still had serious problems with anxiety and it's been hard for me to admit. I'd like to think that since I'm a fully committed Christian, I would always feel peace. I don't always feel peace. Therein lies the struggle between how I feel and what is really true. I believe that Jesus is the Prince of Peace, and I believe that the fruit of God's Holy Spirit is joy and peace. I believe that God has promised a peace that passes understanding to those who prayerfully trust him with a grateful attitude. In spite of my belief, there are seasons of my life where I'm still plagued with anxiety and depressive thoughts.

I'm learning how weak I really am, and I'm no longer ashamed of it. My pride wants you to believe that my walk of faith has excelled me beyond some of these troubles, but the truth is I struggle often. The beautiful part about it is that my faith has grown all the while. I don't doubt God or his promises as much anymore because I've quit believing that I'm entitled to feelings of peace as a Christian. God is the source of all things peaceful and all things joyful, and he gives them graciously, not on the basis of our deserving those blessings. Perhaps I'm allowed some of these struggles that I would not trust in myself and that I would never cease to pursue a deeper relationship with God. In my weakness he is strong. In my discomfort he longs to comfort me. In my unrest he desires to give me rest. One of the greatest comforts I have in this life is to know that Jesus came to earth and suffered the things we suffer. He is able to sympathize with our weakness because he allowed himself to be a weak human. If the God of creation was not ashamed to be weak, then neither should we. In my weakness I am strong because the power of Christ dwells in me.
I don't particularly like to share these things because it makes me vulnerable. I share them because I hope to encourage people who have a similar struggle. I've learned a lot of helpful tools in battling anxiety. But at the point where I believe that I've learned or grown enough is when things will start to overwhelm me once again. I still have a lot to learn. There is a lot of room for me to grow.