My battle with depression and anxiety

I've battled depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. Up until recently it's always been something I've been ashamed of. There have been very few mornings in my life when I've had much natural zeal to get out of bed in the morning. I hate the idea of being lazy so my logical desire is never to oversleep, but there's always a battle going on in my mind. I guess you could say that battle between logic and emotion has been the front lines of fighting against depression and anxiety in my life.
I'm a very emotional person. I feel like I've had the choice to either cry a lot or harden my heart to more sensitive feelings and become emotionally numb. While I have opted to go with the latter route for a period of time, I've learned that that will suck the life out of you in a hurry. So I cry easily. I'm a sensitive guy. I'm not ashamed of that at all. I believe crying is healthy, and I'm encouraged to know that Jesus cried in his time on earth.

Perhaps the hardest part of admitting that I have a serious struggle with depression and anxiety is the feeling that it might in some way be discounting my faith. I believe there's a fine line here. My identity is not defined by what I struggle against. My identity is defined by who God says that I am, even when  I don't feel that way. I have to constantly remind myself that in Jesus I'm loved, I'm God's child, I'm pure, I'm valued, and that my life is meaningful though I don't always feel that way. By the grace of God, I'm a righteous child of God who battles against anxiety and depression.

One of the hardest things for me to admit is that when my mom battled cancer for four years and then passed away when I was a junior in high school I used that as a justification for my depression and anxiety. What I mean is that prior to my mom's health issues I still had those problems, but I was ashamed because I didn't have a "valid" reason for having them. Now that I've been in a pretty healthy stage of life the last several years, I've still had serious problems with anxiety and it's been hard for me to admit. I'd like to think that since I'm a fully committed Christian, I would always feel peace. I don't always feel peace. Therein lies the struggle between how I feel and what is really true. I believe that Jesus is the Prince of Peace, and I believe that the fruit of God's Holy Spirit is joy and peace. I believe that God has promised a peace that passes understanding to those who prayerfully trust him with a grateful attitude. In spite of my belief, there are seasons of my life where I'm still plagued with anxiety and depressive thoughts.

I'm learning how weak I really am, and I'm no longer ashamed of it. My pride wants you to believe that my walk of faith has excelled me beyond some of these troubles, but the truth is I struggle often. The beautiful part about it is that my faith has grown all the while. I don't doubt God or his promises as much anymore because I've quit believing that I'm entitled to feelings of peace as a Christian. God is the source of all things peaceful and all things joyful, and he gives them graciously, not on the basis of our deserving those blessings. Perhaps I'm allowed some of these struggles that I would not trust in myself and that I would never cease to pursue a deeper relationship with God. In my weakness he is strong. In my discomfort he longs to comfort me. In my unrest he desires to give me rest. One of the greatest comforts I have in this life is to know that Jesus came to earth and suffered the things we suffer. He is able to sympathize with our weakness because he allowed himself to be a weak human. If the God of creation was not ashamed to be weak, then neither should we. In my weakness I am strong because the power of Christ dwells in me.
I don't particularly like to share these things because it makes me vulnerable. I share them because I hope to encourage people who have a similar struggle. I've learned a lot of helpful tools in battling anxiety. But at the point where I believe that I've learned or grown enough is when things will start to overwhelm me once again. I still have a lot to learn. There is a lot of room for me to grow.

Life without a cell phone

Over the last few years I've often wondered what life would be like without a cell phone. It's crazy the number of things we depend on it for: GPS directions from one place to another, social media, text messages, phone calls, alarm clock, camera, music, and endless other apps that are readily available. It certainly adds a lot of quantity to our lives. We seem to have an endless number of contacts, people we keep in touch with, and if we want, we can have an endless amount of data so that we can be on our phones all day. We have internet on our phones so it's essentially a little computer in our hands.

Personally, all of the quantity of things that are available through my cell phone decreases the quality of my life. I can't sit through a meal or meeting with someone without my phone vibrating in my pocket multiple times. And though I generally try not to pull out my phone, for the sake of those in front of me, my mind still wanders to who might be contacting me and what they might want from me. Recently, one of my good friends gave a sermon describing anxiety as a divided mind. I can honestly say that my phone has brought me a great deal of anxiety because it divides my attention daily. As a minister, I already feel "on call" 24/7, but how much more so when anybody can contact me in an instant from anywhere in the world. My wife deserves more of me, and those who I am with deserve more of me.

Those who know where I'm going might begin to make statements like, "It might be ideal to go without a cell phone, but it's not very practical in today's day and age" or "Why don't you just cut back on having it with you all the time?"
I've been reading a book that describes the burdens we often place on ourselves by making so many "have to" statements. For most of the things we say we "have to" do we actually have a choice in the matter. In today's society we "have to" have a cell phone, right? We actually have a choice. One of the most convicting passages of Scripture for me comes from Paul's letter to the Galatians, "For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ."
When I'm honest with myself, I do a lot of things to try to please people under the pretense that I'm serving others for the sake of Christ. Personally, for me to be able to best love God with my undivided heart and to love people better, I believe it's best that I go without a cell phone for the foreseeable future (starting at the end of this month). I realize that this won't please a lot of people, but know that I can still be reached via my office phone, Facebook or email. Just don't expect an immediate response because I always want to prioritize those who are in front of me.

I'll do my very best not to bind my personal convictions on others in this matter, because ultimately everyone has to make the decisions that they know in their heart will be best for their relationship with God, in regard to phones or whatever other matters of opinion we're faced with.

I know, I know. I'll have to pull out a map on the highway. I'll have to leave an hour earlier on road trips. I'll have to read my Bible from a book that can be held in my hands. I may have to get an actual camera, and maybe even an ipod. Hopefully I'll become a more patient person. Hopefully I'll become a more peaceful person. Hopefully you'll love spending time with me because you'll know you're getting 100% of my attention. All in all I'm very hopeful when I think of this transition. Fifty years from now when I look back on my life I can't possibly see myself regretting this one bit.